I went to campus today to get the one book that I could not get online. I was struck by how much I did not want to be on campus. Two years ago, I could not wait to get started. Now, I cannot wait to be done. I am trying not to have a bad attitude but it is hard. Most of the kids I had come to know are no longer there. My favorite professors have all abandoned me!
Here are the positives about going back:
--I will only be on campus 2 days a week.
--I am only taking 3 classes.
--I am taking Jane Austen. This is my saving grace. I cannot wait to immerse myself in her work.
--I have 2 of the best professors in their field.
--It is my LAST semester.
That is as good as it gets right now. Maybe once classes start in 2 weeks my attitude will be better.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
On learning how to handle pressure without meds
Well, I am down to 1/4 dose of Luvox. Really not a dose at all considering the smallest prescribed dose is twice this amount. I have found, much to my chagrin, that I was really relying on the meds to handle things and not putting into action all that I have learned from Lucy like I thought I was.
It has not been an easy transition for me. I know, without a doubt, that I can succeed without the meds, but I have also come to realize that relying on the meds and not on God and my inner strength is MUCH MUCH easier! While on the meds, I can eat whatever I want and it does not affect my moods. Off the meds, sugar and caffeine send me into the heights of anxiety where I do not want to be. It's like I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to be off the meds and anxiety free yet I still want my junk food and Diet Coke. I feel so totally immature at this point. Isn't being a grown up learning to deal with having to do things that you do not want to do?
On the flip side, with each anxiety episode that I am able to work through, I feel just a bit stronger. Since reducing my dose, I no longer feel hungry all the time. I have energy for the first time in years. I LIKE the way I feel for the majority of the time. It is those times, especially in the evenings, when I feel anxious and just do not feel like dealing with it. It would be so much easier to let the meds take care of it but I am determined to at least give the non medicated life a real try. Once we get back from vacation, my plan is to totally change my diet.
Just so that there is no misunderstanding, I firmly believe in drug therapy. Many people I know could not survive without it. In those cases, the benefits far outweigh the bad side effects. In my case, I feel that the drugs were a way for me to get over the worst of the PTSD and depression and would like very much to see if I can make it without them. If, in the end, this is not possible, I will have no issue with going back on them. I just feel that I owe it to myself to see if I have the coping skills to deal with life without them.
It has not been an easy transition for me. I know, without a doubt, that I can succeed without the meds, but I have also come to realize that relying on the meds and not on God and my inner strength is MUCH MUCH easier! While on the meds, I can eat whatever I want and it does not affect my moods. Off the meds, sugar and caffeine send me into the heights of anxiety where I do not want to be. It's like I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to be off the meds and anxiety free yet I still want my junk food and Diet Coke. I feel so totally immature at this point. Isn't being a grown up learning to deal with having to do things that you do not want to do?
On the flip side, with each anxiety episode that I am able to work through, I feel just a bit stronger. Since reducing my dose, I no longer feel hungry all the time. I have energy for the first time in years. I LIKE the way I feel for the majority of the time. It is those times, especially in the evenings, when I feel anxious and just do not feel like dealing with it. It would be so much easier to let the meds take care of it but I am determined to at least give the non medicated life a real try. Once we get back from vacation, my plan is to totally change my diet.
Just so that there is no misunderstanding, I firmly believe in drug therapy. Many people I know could not survive without it. In those cases, the benefits far outweigh the bad side effects. In my case, I feel that the drugs were a way for me to get over the worst of the PTSD and depression and would like very much to see if I can make it without them. If, in the end, this is not possible, I will have no issue with going back on them. I just feel that I owe it to myself to see if I have the coping skills to deal with life without them.
Monday, June 30, 2008
On learning how to do nothing
Doing absolutely nothing. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Well I am one person who has never been able to do nothing. I always have to have several things going on at once. To me, to stop meant to die and that is something that scares the crap out of me. With lots of help from Lucy, I have FINALLY mastered the art of doing nothing and enjoying the quiet. I no longer have to have the television on at all times. As a matter of fact, as I type this, the only noise I hear is the construction outside and the gentle hum of the air conditioner. I am not anxious, but at peace. We just came in from a quick swim (there is a typical afternoon thunderstorm getting ready to roll in). It is not quite time for me to fix dinner and I just WANT (yes, I said want) to sit in a quiet room.
It feels so good not to be getting ready for the next 5 things on my schedule. I am pretty much packed for vacation and I am not taking a class, either in the classroom or online right now, so there is no pressure there. I cannot believe it took until the week before my 40th birthday to finally get it!!
It feels so good not to be getting ready for the next 5 things on my schedule. I am pretty much packed for vacation and I am not taking a class, either in the classroom or online right now, so there is no pressure there. I cannot believe it took until the week before my 40th birthday to finally get it!!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
On Bringing Up a Teenager
There are days when I feel that as a parent I am failing miserably. Today is one of those days. Chickie wanted to go home with a friend. I said no and all hell broke loose. She threw at fit in front of this friend. Said some pretty nasty things. Even posted something about me on her facebook which set me off.
I layed the law with her. She WILL respect me whether she likes it or not. I realize she was mad but that is no excuse to say and do the things she was doing. I have had it and will not live like this with her anymore. She is a perfect angel until she is told no. I have heard that Tim Russert told his son that he will always be loved but never entitled. I want to adopt this policy. I want her to see that she can disagree with, even not like what she is told but it ends there. She is not entitled to get in my face or question my decisions.
I was thrilled that Jeff backed me up. HE, not me, told her that marching band would be no more if she didnt change her attitude. Right now, she has lost her phone but has been warned that other things will go if there are not permanent changes.
I layed the law with her. She WILL respect me whether she likes it or not. I realize she was mad but that is no excuse to say and do the things she was doing. I have had it and will not live like this with her anymore. She is a perfect angel until she is told no. I have heard that Tim Russert told his son that he will always be loved but never entitled. I want to adopt this policy. I want her to see that she can disagree with, even not like what she is told but it ends there. She is not entitled to get in my face or question my decisions.
I was thrilled that Jeff backed me up. HE, not me, told her that marching band would be no more if she didnt change her attitude. Right now, she has lost her phone but has been warned that other things will go if there are not permanent changes.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
On Little Dude's 5th Grade Graduation
Wow! Where has the time gone? Little Dude's graduation was very emotional today. I am SO SO proud of him. He won a President's Gold Academic Award among many others. I held it together really well. As a matter of fact, half way through the ceremony, I wondered what was wrong with me because I WASN'T even feeling like crying. It all changed when they did the photo montage. They played Trace Atkins' "Your Gonna Miss This." Tried so hard to hold back the tears but finally just let them go unchecked. Got myself under control then it ended and I saw Georgene. Jeff asked her if she was okay, she said no, then BOTH of us lost it while hugging. I cannot believe they are moving. We've been through so much together as moms. I saw her again as we were leaving and both of us were like, no not again, just go! The good thing is that with email, we won't lose touch. I am just really ashamed that I have not been a better friend this year. I guess I just assumed that everyone would always be there. Lesson learned--do not neglect your friends cause you never know.
Anyway, back to Little Dude. I cannot believe that my baby is entering middle school. I know that the time of him being my little boy is coming to an end. I am both happy and sad.
Anyway, back to Little Dude. I cannot believe that my baby is entering middle school. I know that the time of him being my little boy is coming to an end. I am both happy and sad.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
On Feeling Overwhelmed
I have 15 minutes before I have to leave for school. Both dogs are asleep (big surprise there!) and I have decided NOT to turn the television on. I am doing this more and more. I find that I no longer need or want the noise when I am home alone. I am finally beginning to enjoy the silence instead of fearing it.
This morning, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. We found out last night that a favorite cousin has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Her daughter was born about six hours before chickie. We have become extremely close over the past few years. We spent Thanksgiving with them last year and it was, by far, the best we have ever had. The night at the beach with her and the girls was fabulous. Just what I needed with the semester coming to an end. It gave me what I needed to get through finals. I really want to reach out to her but I have no idea how. It hit me last night that I should speak to Dr. K. She is now back from her treatment after being diagnosed last September. It amazes me, though it shouldn't, how God puts the exact people that we need in our lives at the exact time.
Adding to this, chickie comes home yesterday and tells us that she fell on a hike for science. Her back, ankle and bad arm are hurting. Old dude is taking her to the docs for me this morning so I can go to class. Needless to say, my mind won't be there fully, but at least I can get the notes and turn in my journal. It kills me inside as a mother that I cannot do anything for her. She is in constant pain. I am trying to be patient and understanding because it affects her moods in a horrible way.
This morning, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. We found out last night that a favorite cousin has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Her daughter was born about six hours before chickie. We have become extremely close over the past few years. We spent Thanksgiving with them last year and it was, by far, the best we have ever had. The night at the beach with her and the girls was fabulous. Just what I needed with the semester coming to an end. It gave me what I needed to get through finals. I really want to reach out to her but I have no idea how. It hit me last night that I should speak to Dr. K. She is now back from her treatment after being diagnosed last September. It amazes me, though it shouldn't, how God puts the exact people that we need in our lives at the exact time.
Adding to this, chickie comes home yesterday and tells us that she fell on a hike for science. Her back, ankle and bad arm are hurting. Old dude is taking her to the docs for me this morning so I can go to class. Needless to say, my mind won't be there fully, but at least I can get the notes and turn in my journal. It kills me inside as a mother that I cannot do anything for her. She is in constant pain. I am trying to be patient and understanding because it affects her moods in a horrible way.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
On Leaving Lucy
Saw Lucy this week. She thinks I may be ready to cut back on the PTSD meds. I am all for this and was actually thinking about it too. I am tired of not being able to get this weight off. I had just lost it prior to starting the meds. I am happy that the meds worked but my time with Lucy has given me SO many new coping skills. I am not the same person I was two and a half years ago.
It kinda made me sad when she said she thought it was getting close to the time when I would no longer see her at all. I have only been seeing her once a month for a while now and really those times are just catching up on my busy life. I am happy, truly happy, for the first time in a very long time. I am at peace with my life. I have the skills I need to get through the rough spots that I wish I would have had prior to chickies accident. I am content even though life is not perfect. I have finally gotten to the point where I can accept the imperfection. Not only do I accept it, I am embracing it.
So, I have cut my already low dose in half. It will take about two weeks for it to register in my body. We will see what happens. I really want to be off the stuff. The side effects are getting worse the longer I am on it and I really feel that I do not need it any more.
It kinda made me sad when she said she thought it was getting close to the time when I would no longer see her at all. I have only been seeing her once a month for a while now and really those times are just catching up on my busy life. I am happy, truly happy, for the first time in a very long time. I am at peace with my life. I have the skills I need to get through the rough spots that I wish I would have had prior to chickies accident. I am content even though life is not perfect. I have finally gotten to the point where I can accept the imperfection. Not only do I accept it, I am embracing it.
So, I have cut my already low dose in half. It will take about two weeks for it to register in my body. We will see what happens. I really want to be off the stuff. The side effects are getting worse the longer I am on it and I really feel that I do not need it any more.
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