On Getting Ready to Go Back to School

I went to campus today to get the one book that I could not get online. I was struck by how much I did not want to be on campus. Two years ago, I could not wait to get started. Now, I cannot wait to be done. I am trying not to have a bad attitude but it is hard. Most of the kids I had come to know are no longer there. My favorite professors have all abandoned me!
Here are the positives about going back:
--I will only be on campus 2 days a week.
--I am only taking 3 classes.
--I am taking Jane Austen. This is my saving grace. I cannot wait to immerse myself in her work.
--I have 2 of the best professors in their field.
--It is my LAST semester.

That is as good as it gets right now. Maybe once classes start in 2 weeks my attitude will be better.

On learning how to handle pressure without meds

Well, I am down to 1/4 dose of Luvox. Really not a dose at all considering the smallest prescribed dose is twice this amount. I have found, much to my chagrin, that I was really relying on the meds to handle things and not putting into action all that I have learned from Lucy like I thought I was.

It has not been an easy transition for me. I know, without a doubt, that I can succeed without the meds, but I have also come to realize that relying on the meds and not on God and my inner strength is MUCH MUCH easier! While on the meds, I can eat whatever I want and it does not affect my moods. Off the meds, sugar and caffeine send me into the heights of anxiety where I do not want to be. It's like I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to be off the meds and anxiety free yet I still want my junk food and Diet Coke. I feel so totally immature at this point. Isn't being a grown up learning to deal with having to do things that you do not want to do?

On the flip side, with each anxiety episode that I am able to work through, I feel just a bit stronger. Since reducing my dose, I no longer feel hungry all the time. I have energy for the first time in years. I LIKE the way I feel for the majority of the time. It is those times, especially in the evenings, when I feel anxious and just do not feel like dealing with it. It would be so much easier to let the meds take care of it but I am determined to at least give the non medicated life a real try. Once we get back from vacation, my plan is to totally change my diet.

Just so that there is no misunderstanding, I firmly believe in drug therapy. Many people I know could not survive without it. In those cases, the benefits far outweigh the bad side effects. In my case, I feel that the drugs were a way for me to get over the worst of the PTSD and depression and would like very much to see if I can make it without them. If, in the end, this is not possible, I will have no issue with going back on them. I just feel that I owe it to myself to see if I have the coping skills to deal with life without them.

On learning how to do nothing

Doing absolutely nothing. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Well I am one person who has never been able to do nothing. I always have to have several things going on at once. To me, to stop meant to die and that is something that scares the crap out of me. With lots of help from Lucy, I have FINALLY mastered the art of doing nothing and enjoying the quiet. I no longer have to have the television on at all times. As a matter of fact, as I type this, the only noise I hear is the construction outside and the gentle hum of the air conditioner. I am not anxious, but at peace. We just came in from a quick swim (there is a typical afternoon thunderstorm getting ready to roll in). It is not quite time for me to fix dinner and I just WANT (yes, I said want) to sit in a quiet room.

It feels so good not to be getting ready for the next 5 things on my schedule. I am pretty much packed for vacation and I am not taking a class, either in the classroom or online right now, so there is no pressure there. I cannot believe it took until the week before my 40th birthday to finally get it!!

On Bringing Up a Teenager

There are days when I feel that as a parent I am failing miserably. Today is one of those days. Chickie wanted to go home with a friend. I said no and all hell broke loose. She threw at fit in front of this friend. Said some pretty nasty things. Even posted something about me on her facebook which set me off.

I layed the law with her. She WILL respect me whether she likes it or not. I realize she was mad but that is no excuse to say and do the things she was doing. I have had it and will not live like this with her anymore. She is a perfect angel until she is told no. I have heard that Tim Russert told his son that he will always be loved but never entitled. I want to adopt this policy. I want her to see that she can disagree with, even not like what she is told but it ends there. She is not entitled to get in my face or question my decisions.

I was thrilled that Jeff backed me up. HE, not me, told her that marching band would be no more if she didnt change her attitude. Right now, she has lost her phone but has been warned that other things will go if there are not permanent changes.

On Little Dude's 5th Grade Graduation

Wow! Where has the time gone? Little Dude's graduation was very emotional today. I am SO SO proud of him. He won a President's Gold Academic Award among many others. I held it together really well. As a matter of fact, half way through the ceremony, I wondered what was wrong with me because I WASN'T even feeling like crying. It all changed when they did the photo montage. They played Trace Atkins' "Your Gonna Miss This." Tried so hard to hold back the tears but finally just let them go unchecked. Got myself under control then it ended and I saw Georgene. Jeff asked her if she was okay, she said no, then BOTH of us lost it while hugging. I cannot believe they are moving. We've been through so much together as moms. I saw her again as we were leaving and both of us were like, no not again, just go! The good thing is that with email, we won't lose touch. I am just really ashamed that I have not been a better friend this year. I guess I just assumed that everyone would always be there. Lesson learned--do not neglect your friends cause you never know.

Anyway, back to Little Dude. I cannot believe that my baby is entering middle school. I know that the time of him being my little boy is coming to an end. I am both happy and sad.

On Feeling Overwhelmed

I have 15 minutes before I have to leave for school. Both dogs are asleep (big surprise there!) and I have decided NOT to turn the television on. I am doing this more and more. I find that I no longer need or want the noise when I am home alone. I am finally beginning to enjoy the silence instead of fearing it.

This morning, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. We found out last night that a favorite cousin has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Her daughter was born about six hours before chickie. We have become extremely close over the past few years. We spent Thanksgiving with them last year and it was, by far, the best we have ever had. The night at the beach with her and the girls was fabulous. Just what I needed with the semester coming to an end. It gave me what I needed to get through finals. I really want to reach out to her but I have no idea how. It hit me last night that I should speak to Dr. K. She is now back from her treatment after being diagnosed last September. It amazes me, though it shouldn't, how God puts the exact people that we need in our lives at the exact time.

Adding to this, chickie comes home yesterday and tells us that she fell on a hike for science. Her back, ankle and bad arm are hurting. Old dude is taking her to the docs for me this morning so I can go to class. Needless to say, my mind won't be there fully, but at least I can get the notes and turn in my journal. It kills me inside as a mother that I cannot do anything for her. She is in constant pain. I am trying to be patient and understanding because it affects her moods in a horrible way.

On Leaving Lucy

Saw Lucy this week. She thinks I may be ready to cut back on the PTSD meds. I am all for this and was actually thinking about it too. I am tired of not being able to get this weight off. I had just lost it prior to starting the meds. I am happy that the meds worked but my time with Lucy has given me SO many new coping skills. I am not the same person I was two and a half years ago.
It kinda made me sad when she said she thought it was getting close to the time when I would no longer see her at all. I have only been seeing her once a month for a while now and really those times are just catching up on my busy life. I am happy, truly happy, for the first time in a very long time. I am at peace with my life. I have the skills I need to get through the rough spots that I wish I would have had prior to chickies accident. I am content even though life is not perfect. I have finally gotten to the point where I can accept the imperfection. Not only do I accept it, I am embracing it.
So, I have cut my already low dose in half. It will take about two weeks for it to register in my body. We will see what happens. I really want to be off the stuff. The side effects are getting worse the longer I am on it and I really feel that I do not need it any more.

On Surviving the storms and On Chickie's Arm

Okay, so I am combing two blog posts. The storms the other night were horrible. Add to it that I was home alone with the kids (old dude had to work yet another overnight) and well, lets just say my anxiety level was at an all time high. I did a VERY good job of hiding it from little dude who was really freaking out. I was so proud of my parenting at that moment. I had him put his headphones on and watch something funny on his laptop. We all ended up sleeping in Chickie's room. The rain got really loud around 3am waking us all up. Everyone stayed calm. It is amazing the damage that occurred just 5 miles from here. It could have easily been us. We dodged a serious bullet and I am thanking God for sparing us yet again. These major storms always seem to hit very close to us but never get us.

On to Chickie. She is now in a dark purple cast. I was NOT prepared for this when I took her to the doctors last week. I really thought they would just give her a cortisone shot. It brought back some bad memories for me but I have been able to deal with it. For that, I have Lucy to thank. Chickie's attitude has been amazing. I thought she would be freaking but her response was "I like to be the center of attention!" I am sure on some level it bothers her that this never seems to end, but I think she is mature enough (maybe even more so than me) to handle it and keep a good attitude. I also thinks she is acutely aware of how close she came to death or losing her arm so, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't so bad.

On Little Dude Overcoming His Fears

So, we went to Busch Gardens to celebrate the end of my semester last weekend. The trip was beyond my wildest dreams. We had such a good time dispite a rocky start (Steph was in the throws of an attitude.) What made it really cool was being able to ride all the rides as a family. Tyler has FINALLY overcome his fear of rollercoasters. I was SO proud of him. He really heard what Drew said last week in church about worry and used this information to push himself. He had such a good time; loved everything that he did and can't wait to do it again.

As a mom, this means more to me than words can say. I know the feeling of having fears cripple you. I have lived with it my entire life. I also know how freeing it is to face them and overcome them. My heart knew what he was missing but I could not convince him to face it. My heart was breaking for him. Now, he is free and it EVERYONE feels good about it.

On the Home Stretch

I never thought this semester would end. Well, I have just two more classes to sit through--one today which is my favorite and one tomorrow which is, by far, my least favorite. Kinda ironic. I just have to do one take home final and have 3 in class finals next week and I am done. I could not be happier. I got a taste of my old life last week and I really cannot wait to get back to it.

On Our Disney Trip

So, I've been trying to figure out since Thursday night how to describe the experience of watching the kids march down Main Street. For days, words have been escaping me which is very unusual for me, especially when I am writing. Magical just does not seem to do it justice. The looks on their faces were, in a word, priceless. My child has grown up with all things Disney. I cannot begin to imagine how she must have felt being behind the scenes then marching down that street as a performer not a spectator. As a parent, I could not have been prouder. My mind still cannot seem to get wrapped around the experience.

On Meeting My Unrealistic Goals

Well, I finished ALL of the things I wanted to get done including my term paper. I really thought I had set very unrealistic goals but I pushed myself harder than I ever thought possible. I am so thrilled to be able to go to Disney tomorrow and RELAX. I will worry about finals when I get back. Because all of my writing assignments are done, I will only have a small amount of reading to do which I may do on the way down or back.

I must confess. I am having a hard time letting go of the stress. I know my brain needs a chance to adjust to the slower speed. I have always had a problem with this and know I always will. I think it still scares me that if I am not insanely busy I will get depressed. Even after all this time, I still do not know how to relax. I plan to work on that on this trip. My goal is to fully stay in the present.

On Just Relaxing With My Family

Last night, we went to The Melting Pot to finally celebrate the kids birthdays. We had a blast. There was no arguing or bickering. We had so much for just eating and talking and laughing for an incredible 90 minutes. I do not remember the last time we had that much time together having a good time. Boy, do I miss it. I am SO glad this semester is almost over. I miss my family. I only have one paper left to do. Really proud of how I pushed myself this week to get everything done. I am so looking forward to Disney next week. I do not get much time with Little Dude.

On Being Back in My Kitchen

It feels like it has been forever since I cooked a real meal. Well, old dude and little dude are sick, it is raining, and we ended up not going to church so I decided to cook. After all, I felt like I had to make up for Easter.

I fixed chicken fried steak from Paula Deen and what was supposed to be roasted broccoli and tomatos only I forgot to put the tomatos in. I am not sure what I did wrong with the CFS. The coating did not stick and the gravy was runny. I think the first was from using a nonstick pan. The only thing I can figure with the gravy staying runny is I didn't have enough flour even though I followed the recipe exactly. Oh well, it wasnt pretty but it tasted fantastic. The roasted broccoli was also good. It also had garlic, shallots and olive oil in it so it was really healthy. I was proud of chickie. She did try it, even put some (more like a lot) cheese on top but still didn't like it. Her and Bush now have something in common. Neither like broccoli.

No one understands what a stress reliever cooking is for me. I absolutely LOVE getting in the kitchen and playing with new (or not so new) recipes. It is one of the things that I miss the most about being in school full time. I simply do not have the time to do it. I was having a hard time concentrating earlier today on school work. I feel like now I may be able to tackle some of it tonight. At least get some more reading done.

On Group Conferences

I am trying to figure out why these make me so uncomfortable. I can't decide if I am intimidated or a little bit of a snob. I think it might be both.

I KNOW I am intimidated by the level of writing from these kids. Some of the stuff they put out just blows my mind. The insight they show at such a young age is amazing.

Then again, I have to admit that it bothers me a bit to have someone 15+ years younger than me criticizing my work.

It also is hard to hear that something I thought was fabulous is maybe not as good as I think. Then THAT makes me wonder what an over inflated ego I must have. From there, I enter self-doubt. Maybe I am not as good as I think. Maybe this whole book idea is just a pie in the sky idea.

No matter what, I am trying to look at these as a learning experience. I am trying to keep an open mind. They are teaching me how to use tact when commenting on other's work.

On UMW

So, I think I am beginning to hate UMW. I think it is because I feel like I was duped. I was told over and over throughout the admissions process that the professors are very understanding about older student issues. For the most part, I am finding this to be true but it only takes one and I have that one this semester. I have had to choose between my health and that of my children and a grade. What really bothers me is that the prof. hasn't even given me the courtesy of a return email. So much for kindness and understanding.
I really think that the university, in it's desire to increase it's adult student numbers, is not being entirely honest. I think this is wrong. If the professors are not all on board, than the prospective students should be told so. I do not think any of us want special treatment, but we do want our unique situation to be accounted for. All of us have lives off of the campus. Unlike the traditional students, most of us have families and homes that occasionally do not cooperate and we must miss class to deal with issues. We are all there because we want to be and are working hard to get our degrees. We simply want some understanding.
To the professors in the English Dept who ARE understanding and accomadating, we thank you. Please try to rub off on your collegues.

On Re-evaluating my life

This weekend was horrible. Nothing like coming down with the worst stomach bug ever on Easter Sunday and completely ruining the holiday. Add to that the fact that the water heater was out so I couldnt take a hot bath (the most healing thing ever) and the fact that I have had to beg a prof. not to drop my grade (who is not responding) and, well, a breakdown was inevitable.

After hearing about a favorite prof leaving because her overloaded teaching schedule has not allowed her to do what she loves, I got to thinking last night about all of the things this place and my decision to be here have cost me. Here is my list:

--I no longer cook.
--My house is in shambles.
--Husband, who is working insane hours, is now responsible for the laundry.
--Havent scrapbooked in years.
--Havent had time to do the decorating projects that would make my home more pleasant.
--Do not get to spend any real time with husband and kids.
--The online group that I cherish never hears from me.
--Best friend in Kentucky never hears from me.
--Best sister rarely hears from me.
--Most importantly, GOD never hears from me. This makes me think of the song that a choir member in church sings that says basically: Hey, this is God. I am not asking for much. I just want to talk to you.

I miss all of these things. This education is simply not worth all that it is costing me right now. I am tired and drained both physically and psychologically. Since I have been on so many meds, my psych meds are not working right now so I do not have that to fall back on. Not that they would be doing much anyway.

Will I quit? Heck NO!!!! I will fight the good fight for the next 4 agonizing weeks. I will do my absolute best and let the chips fall where they may. I WILL make changes after. I am going to take one summer course then only 3 in the fall then I will be DONE.

What about grad school? I cannot honestly answer that one at the moment. Right now, I am leaning toward long term subbing and taking 1 class. I cannot let myself get like this again. My body and mind cannot do it.

On Little Dude Starting Middle School

We went to middle school orientation last night. I couldn't help but remember going to Chickie's 4 years ago. Then, I was a nervous wreck. Last night, I was just bored. I knew most of the faces and very little has changed. Its only been a year since I was there last. I was relieved that he would not have the same guidance counselor who was totally useless. I had heard all this stuff before. Still, it is hard for me to fathom that my baby will be starting middle school next year. I do not think it has quite set in yet. It just does not feel real.
A week from Monday, he will get to go try out the different band instruments. Unlike Chickie, who knew practically from birth that she wanted to play violin, Little Dude isn't sure what he wants to do. Old Dude really wants him to do band and not strings, but I have to keep reminding him that it is Little Dude's decision. With this kid, it is best to just back off. If he tries to push him into band, he is going to pick strings just to assert his independence. I also think band will be best. The strings teacher still does not seem to have her act together. I think he will enjoy it more, but I am keeping my opinion to myself. I think he will find this to be the best option once he tries out the different instruments.
We are about to start down a new road. I am curious to see how different it is from Chickies. They are so totally different and I am sure, like every other experience, he will handle it in ways she never did.

On connecting with my 15 year old

Chickie had a bit of a melt down on Wednesday night. She had failed some tests, messed up at rehearsal and to top it off, none of her friends could come to her birthday party this weekend forcing her to postpone it for a week. It broke my heart to see her sobbing like she was. I ended up spending the night in her room with her. I am thrilled to realize that she finds it comforting, not confining to have me around at this age. I did not have that kind of relationship with my mom. I have worked hard to make it different with her and really did not think I was succeeding. Obviously, I was wrong. Sometimes I feel like I am nothing more to her than a ride and a source of cash. I realize now the reason she gets nasty with me is that I am safe. She knows she can say or do anything and I will still love her. It is easier to take her frustrations out on me, someone who will not condemn her no matter what, than to confront the source of whatever hurt she is feeling, who could possibly reject her. I just hope I can remember this revelation the next time she goes off on me about something I did not do. After all, I, too, am human and even though I know the arrows are not directed at me, they still hurt when they hit.

On going to school sick

So, I survived today at school sick. I think the anger at profs. with unreasonable/unbendable attendance policies is what gave me the energy that I needed. I fully realize that the majority of the children in college now blow off as many classes as possible but I think exceptions should be made for those of us real adults. It is not fair to make someone who is clearly sick sit through a class just to make sure they do not get a grade reduction. It is also patently unfair to expect a mother to choose between passing a class and taking care of a sick child. Its not like I am doing poorly in school. I have a solid B average.
For the record, not all of the profs at the university are like this. Many are willing to bend a bit. The few that are not give the rest a bad name.

On Missing Chickie

When she is here, I sometimes can't wait for her to be gone. Lets face it, she can talk a blue streak about nothing for hours on end seemingly without taking a breath. But, she's been gone for the past 2 days and I can not wait for her to get home. Even the 4-legged beast is missing her. I mentioned "sissy" last night and his head popped up and he started looking at the back door then back at me as if to ask "Mom, when is she coming home?" He has gone into her room several times looking for her. I miss having her mother me (yes, I am still sick and not really knowing how I am going to make it through school tomorrow). I missed going out with her today even though I probably couldn't have gone anyway.
I really am anxious to hear about how her first retreat went. I want so much for her to have a close group of christian girl friends with whom she can share her faith. I think this is vital for her spiritual growth. There is so much out there that can cause her to go down the wrong path. A solid foundation and group to which she is accountable will go a long way to keep her on the right path.

On getting sick

As promised, I am journaling. Dont have much to say. I am down with a cold. I must get over this by Monday. Its been quiet with chickie being on the Girls Only retreat. I pray she is having a good time dispite the weather. Little Dude is finally better. Said one of the kids that was here last weekend was out all week sick. Must be where we got it from.
Still waiting on my labs. I didn't think it would bother me but it is starting to. I just want to know what is going on. If these come back clean, I am back at square one.

On Journaling

So, I saw Lucy yesterday and confessed that I have not been journaling like she told me to do over a year ago. I felt very guilty so I am making an attempt. I just find it very hard even though I know it is good for me. I know all that journaling will do I just choose not to. Why? Maybe because I just do not want to know what it will force me to discover. Maybe I am afraid to find out. Who knows but I am going to start making an effort.