On UMW

So, I think I am beginning to hate UMW. I think it is because I feel like I was duped. I was told over and over throughout the admissions process that the professors are very understanding about older student issues. For the most part, I am finding this to be true but it only takes one and I have that one this semester. I have had to choose between my health and that of my children and a grade. What really bothers me is that the prof. hasn't even given me the courtesy of a return email. So much for kindness and understanding.
I really think that the university, in it's desire to increase it's adult student numbers, is not being entirely honest. I think this is wrong. If the professors are not all on board, than the prospective students should be told so. I do not think any of us want special treatment, but we do want our unique situation to be accounted for. All of us have lives off of the campus. Unlike the traditional students, most of us have families and homes that occasionally do not cooperate and we must miss class to deal with issues. We are all there because we want to be and are working hard to get our degrees. We simply want some understanding.
To the professors in the English Dept who ARE understanding and accomadating, we thank you. Please try to rub off on your collegues.

On Re-evaluating my life

This weekend was horrible. Nothing like coming down with the worst stomach bug ever on Easter Sunday and completely ruining the holiday. Add to that the fact that the water heater was out so I couldnt take a hot bath (the most healing thing ever) and the fact that I have had to beg a prof. not to drop my grade (who is not responding) and, well, a breakdown was inevitable.

After hearing about a favorite prof leaving because her overloaded teaching schedule has not allowed her to do what she loves, I got to thinking last night about all of the things this place and my decision to be here have cost me. Here is my list:

--I no longer cook.
--My house is in shambles.
--Husband, who is working insane hours, is now responsible for the laundry.
--Havent scrapbooked in years.
--Havent had time to do the decorating projects that would make my home more pleasant.
--Do not get to spend any real time with husband and kids.
--The online group that I cherish never hears from me.
--Best friend in Kentucky never hears from me.
--Best sister rarely hears from me.
--Most importantly, GOD never hears from me. This makes me think of the song that a choir member in church sings that says basically: Hey, this is God. I am not asking for much. I just want to talk to you.

I miss all of these things. This education is simply not worth all that it is costing me right now. I am tired and drained both physically and psychologically. Since I have been on so many meds, my psych meds are not working right now so I do not have that to fall back on. Not that they would be doing much anyway.

Will I quit? Heck NO!!!! I will fight the good fight for the next 4 agonizing weeks. I will do my absolute best and let the chips fall where they may. I WILL make changes after. I am going to take one summer course then only 3 in the fall then I will be DONE.

What about grad school? I cannot honestly answer that one at the moment. Right now, I am leaning toward long term subbing and taking 1 class. I cannot let myself get like this again. My body and mind cannot do it.

On Little Dude Starting Middle School

We went to middle school orientation last night. I couldn't help but remember going to Chickie's 4 years ago. Then, I was a nervous wreck. Last night, I was just bored. I knew most of the faces and very little has changed. Its only been a year since I was there last. I was relieved that he would not have the same guidance counselor who was totally useless. I had heard all this stuff before. Still, it is hard for me to fathom that my baby will be starting middle school next year. I do not think it has quite set in yet. It just does not feel real.
A week from Monday, he will get to go try out the different band instruments. Unlike Chickie, who knew practically from birth that she wanted to play violin, Little Dude isn't sure what he wants to do. Old Dude really wants him to do band and not strings, but I have to keep reminding him that it is Little Dude's decision. With this kid, it is best to just back off. If he tries to push him into band, he is going to pick strings just to assert his independence. I also think band will be best. The strings teacher still does not seem to have her act together. I think he will enjoy it more, but I am keeping my opinion to myself. I think he will find this to be the best option once he tries out the different instruments.
We are about to start down a new road. I am curious to see how different it is from Chickies. They are so totally different and I am sure, like every other experience, he will handle it in ways she never did.

On connecting with my 15 year old

Chickie had a bit of a melt down on Wednesday night. She had failed some tests, messed up at rehearsal and to top it off, none of her friends could come to her birthday party this weekend forcing her to postpone it for a week. It broke my heart to see her sobbing like she was. I ended up spending the night in her room with her. I am thrilled to realize that she finds it comforting, not confining to have me around at this age. I did not have that kind of relationship with my mom. I have worked hard to make it different with her and really did not think I was succeeding. Obviously, I was wrong. Sometimes I feel like I am nothing more to her than a ride and a source of cash. I realize now the reason she gets nasty with me is that I am safe. She knows she can say or do anything and I will still love her. It is easier to take her frustrations out on me, someone who will not condemn her no matter what, than to confront the source of whatever hurt she is feeling, who could possibly reject her. I just hope I can remember this revelation the next time she goes off on me about something I did not do. After all, I, too, am human and even though I know the arrows are not directed at me, they still hurt when they hit.

On going to school sick

So, I survived today at school sick. I think the anger at profs. with unreasonable/unbendable attendance policies is what gave me the energy that I needed. I fully realize that the majority of the children in college now blow off as many classes as possible but I think exceptions should be made for those of us real adults. It is not fair to make someone who is clearly sick sit through a class just to make sure they do not get a grade reduction. It is also patently unfair to expect a mother to choose between passing a class and taking care of a sick child. Its not like I am doing poorly in school. I have a solid B average.
For the record, not all of the profs at the university are like this. Many are willing to bend a bit. The few that are not give the rest a bad name.

On Missing Chickie

When she is here, I sometimes can't wait for her to be gone. Lets face it, she can talk a blue streak about nothing for hours on end seemingly without taking a breath. But, she's been gone for the past 2 days and I can not wait for her to get home. Even the 4-legged beast is missing her. I mentioned "sissy" last night and his head popped up and he started looking at the back door then back at me as if to ask "Mom, when is she coming home?" He has gone into her room several times looking for her. I miss having her mother me (yes, I am still sick and not really knowing how I am going to make it through school tomorrow). I missed going out with her today even though I probably couldn't have gone anyway.
I really am anxious to hear about how her first retreat went. I want so much for her to have a close group of christian girl friends with whom she can share her faith. I think this is vital for her spiritual growth. There is so much out there that can cause her to go down the wrong path. A solid foundation and group to which she is accountable will go a long way to keep her on the right path.

On getting sick

As promised, I am journaling. Dont have much to say. I am down with a cold. I must get over this by Monday. Its been quiet with chickie being on the Girls Only retreat. I pray she is having a good time dispite the weather. Little Dude is finally better. Said one of the kids that was here last weekend was out all week sick. Must be where we got it from.
Still waiting on my labs. I didn't think it would bother me but it is starting to. I just want to know what is going on. If these come back clean, I am back at square one.

On Journaling

So, I saw Lucy yesterday and confessed that I have not been journaling like she told me to do over a year ago. I felt very guilty so I am making an attempt. I just find it very hard even though I know it is good for me. I know all that journaling will do I just choose not to. Why? Maybe because I just do not want to know what it will force me to discover. Maybe I am afraid to find out. Who knows but I am going to start making an effort.